"The dog ate my homework" excuses

Some employees just don't want to work. They might never admit it — perhaps not even to themselves — but the attentive manager or HR pro can usually tell who they are. They're often absent or late or have to leave early. Their lives are more chaotic than other employees', and they tend to bring their chaos to work with them (when they actually come to work).

And their excuses are often lame.

Let me be clear here: I'm not talking about employees who have health issues or family issues. There's an enormous difference between workers who want to work but have been stung by tragedy or bad luck and employees who really don't want to do their jobs and whose stories never quite seem authentic. When we were kids, they were the students who always had a tale about why they couldn't finish their assignments. "The dog ate my homework" was the classic, if apocryphal, story.

Here, then, is a list of excuses given by one office worker for her absences, tardiness, and early departures. They were collected by her coworkers and sent to me via a trusted source. The numbers in parentheticals represent the times she has used that excuse. A few references have been edited to avoid compromising the identity of the accidental employee or her sometime workplace:

• I have pinkeye (3)
• my child has whooping cough (2)
• I need to register my car with the DMV
• my childcare provider has norovirus (the cruise-ship disease), and can't care for the children
• my childcare provider is adopting a baby, and can't care for the children (4 total days off)
• I have migraines (3)
• my child has an ear infection (3)
• I have a sinus infection (6)
• I had food poisoning, or a family member did (4)
• I need to be present for mold remediation in my apartment [actually, this one's pretty clever — JS]
  
• my car was stolen (resulted in 3 days off)
• my neighbor moved out, so I have to be home for the cable guy to come and reconnect my cable (3) [unclear whether the neighbor moved out multiple times — JS]
  
• the airline canceled my return flight and failed to notify passengers
• I have to be home for a plumber to fix a leaky pipe 
  
• I found an injured wild bird in my backyard and needed to bring it to a vet
• I have an last-minute doctor's appointment (4)
• my cat is in traction following an unknown injury [trying to picture this — JS]
  
• I have an ovarian cyst (incorrectly self-diagnosed; turned out to be menstrual cramps)
• my cat requires oral medication (had to leave early for 3 days)
• my kids had a total meltdown and I just could not get them into the car (resulting in 14 late arrivals)
• my other cat is suffering from liver failure [probably looking for attention after the other cat's traction deal — JS]
  
• it snowed: kids refused to get into car until they were allowed to play in the snow for a while
  
• unexpected visit from in-laws (husband forgot to tell her)
  
• I have to be home for the electrician to come and fix an electrical problem [well, that is what they do — JS]
  
• my daycare provider is just not feeling well (3)
• my daycare provider is on holiday (2)
• I am suffering from a virus (can't remember name of it, but did recall that it was a third-world malnutrition virus that was wiped out sometime back in the 1960s)
• the starter in my car is broken (which my husband diagnosed over the phone)
• I just need a day to clean my house (5)
• I need to prepare for my child's birthday party (5)
• I need to prepare for our vacation (5)
• I need to accompany my husband to his eye-tumor medical appointment (turned out to be a stye)
• I need to get my car reconditioned so that we can sell it (update: still has the same car 4 months later) [maybe a "For Sale" sign would help — JS]
  
• my coworker made me laugh so hard that my asthma is acting up (2) [turnabout is fair play; wait to see how much the coworker laughs after reading this — JS]

It probably takes more energy to come up with these stories than it would to simply quit. If you have an employee like this, help him or her come to that conclusion. And if you've come across other dog-ate-my-homework excuses like these, post a comment.

Comments

[Ask a Manager]

I can't believe this person still has a job. And this person's manager (well, non-manager, apparently) should be fired himself/herself.

[Sales guy]

Funny - in the sales environment where people earn mostly commissions, I find that a salesman's left arm could be falling off and they will still make the meeting. No excuses. Probably the same would be found with entrepeneurs and business owners, too. My favorite excuse was taking a vacation day to plan for her vacation! Outrageous. Imagine if this (useless) worker's next paycheck was directly related to her efforts and performance...

[Hella]

I have used the following but was truthful in every circumstance. Of course, not in the numbers this person has. However, you shouldn't give a person sick days then tell them not to use them.

-I have a sinus infection
-I need to be present for mold remediation in my apartment
-I had food poisoning
-I have to be home for the cable guy to come and reconnect my cable
-I have to be home for a plumber to fix a leaky pipe