"I'm running late because of the recession ..."

Understandably, it can be hard to drag yourself into work when all you hear is bad news about the economy. Many workplaces are having morale problems in the wake of — or in anticipation of — layoffs. And it's starting to show in increased employee tardiness.

According to a recent poll, 20 percent of American workers are showing up late for work at least once a week. Last year (in the pre-Recession glory days), that figure was 15 percent. This according to an online survey of 8,000 US workers commissioned by CareerBuilder.com and conducted by Harris Interactive. (Shout out to the Society for Human Resource Management's Talent Management site for the news.)

A simultaneous survey of 3,200 managers and HR professionals revealed some of the craziest excuses for the late arrivals. My personal favorites were:

• My heat was shut off so I had to stay home to keep my snake warm, and
• A groundhog bit my bike tire and made it flat.

[Note: Animal excuses are always the best. Must have been a fast groundhog.]

This reminded me of an amazing list of excuses for tardiness and absences that we wrote about a couple of years ago, an incredible-but-true collection of dog-ate-my-homework excuses. They're worth revisiting:

• • •

This is a list of excuses given by one office worker for her absences, tardiness, and early departures. They were collected by her coworkers and sent to me via a trusted source. The numbers in parentheticals represent the times she has used that excuse. A few references have been edited to avoid compromising the identity of the accidental employee or her sometime workplace:

• I have pinkeye (3)
• my child has whooping cough (2)
• I need to register my car with the DMV
• my childcare provider has norovirus (the cruise-ship disease), and can't care for the children
• my childcare provider is adopting a baby, and can't care for the children (4 total days off)
• I have migraines (3)
• my child has an ear infection (3)
• I have a sinus infection (6)
• I had food poisoning, or a family member did (4)
• I need to be present for mold remediation in my apartment [actually, this one's pretty clever — JS]
  
• my car was stolen (resulted in 3 days off)
• my neighbor moved out, so I have to be home for the cable guy to come and reconnect my cable (3) [unclear whether the neighbor moved out multiple times — JS]
  
• the airline canceled my return flight and failed to notify passengers
• I have to be home for a plumber to fix a leaky pipe 
  
• I found an injured wild bird in my backyard and needed to bring it to a vet
• I have an last-minute doctor's appointment (4)
• my cat is in traction following an unknown injury [trying to picture this — JS]
  
• I have an ovarian cyst (incorrectly self-diagnosed; turned out to be menstrual cramps)
• my cat requires oral medication (had to leave early for 3 days)
• my kids had a total meltdown and I just could not get them into the car (resulting in 14 late arrivals)
• my other cat is suffering from liver failure [probably looking for attention after the other cat's traction deal — JS]
  
• it snowed: kids refused to get into car until they were allowed to play in the snow for a while
  
• unexpected visit from in-laws (husband forgot to tell her)
  
• I have to be home for the electrician to come and fix an electrical problem [well, that is what they do — JS]
  
• my daycare provider is just not feeling well (3)
• my daycare provider is on holiday (2)
• I am suffering from a virus (can't remember name of it, but did recall that it was a third-world malnutrition virus that was wiped out sometime back in the 1960s)
• the starter in my car is broken (which my husband diagnosed over the phone)
• I just need a day to clean my house (5)
• I need to prepare for my child's birthday party (5)
• I need to prepare for our vacation (5)
• I need to accompany my husband to his eye-tumor medical appointment (turned out to be a stye)
• I need to get my car reconditioned so that we can sell it (update: still has the same car 4 months later) [maybe a "For Sale" sign would help — JS]
  
• my coworker made me laugh so hard that my asthma is acting up (2) [turnabout is fair play; wait to see how much the coworker laughs after reading this — JS]

It probably takes more energy to come up with these stories than it would to simply quit. If you have an employee like this, help him or her come to that conclusion. And if you've come across other dog-ate-my-homework excuses like these, post a comment.